Fairytale Disaster

I didn't know what love was until i had you.
It's cliche to say that's cliche, but you need to know the truth.
I couldn't stand to be away from you for more than an hour, a minute, a second.    
You constantly racing through my mind. Always feeling your presence, using my emotions like weapons, when all you wanted was to surround yourself in my essence.       
Raging a battle every morning, as you tried to get through these walls, chipping them down, digging underground, climbing them no matter how often you'd fall.   
There I'd stand, hiding in my own mind, couldn't even pretend that i was fine, just secure that you were mine, for always, until the end of time.    
But I'd stand, defenses in my hands, throwing fiery arrows at my man.     You wouldn't even try to dodge them, take then in your heart, no shield, no armor, just love and affection to stop them.    
Trying to reach me, love me, show me i didn't need to be so hard, could still be strong laying in your arms.   

That i deserved what you gave, that it wouldn't be the same and with you my heart was safe.     
Now I'm standing here, still in my own mind, trying to turn back to the moment in time,   
that even you couldn't cope, couldn't swim through the moat to try and save me from losing all hope.   
Fairy tales don't always end happily ever after, and this is my proof, of our perfect disaster.

Pretty day

I am sitting outiside, under a tree on this beautiful fall day.
My baby girl is playing with her toys, smiling and kicking me :)
She is about to start crawling and I am so excited for that.


I am contemplating tons of things in my life right now. My marriage is falling apart... but do i honestly care? Yes, i would be lying if i said I didn't care. I love this man. But love isn't enough so although walking away won't be the easiest thing, it is the best thing. Maybe he will realize what a huge mistake he made, and that i deserve 100% better. But even if he didn't, its okay. Because i have my baby girl and she is the love of my life. For three years I have put up with everything imaginable. We are better then we are bad.... BUT the bad is always so horrible that it outweighs the good by a million times.


Summer and I will be fine.


I wish my camera hadn't been stolen so i could show you how cute my daughter is being. Imagine her laying next to me, kicking her feet up and giving me the HUGEST smile and laughing like this is the best thing ever!


I love her. 

To Summer:

Taylor Swift-Never Grow Up

 Your little hands wrapped around my finger
And it's so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter 'cause you're dreaming
So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light

To you, everything's funny
You got nothing to regret
I'd give all I have, honey
If you could stay like that

Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple

I won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
No, no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, never grow up

You're in the car on the way to the movies
And you're mortified your mom's dropping you off
At 14, there's just so much you can't do
And you can't wait to move out someday and call your own shots

But don't make her drop you off around the block
Remember that she's getting older, too
And don't lose the way that you dance around
In your PJs getting ready for school

Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple

No one's ever burned you
Nothing's ever left you scarred
And even though you want to
Just try to never grow up

Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home
Remember the footsteps, remember the words said
And all your little brother's favorite songs

I just realized everything I have
Is someday gonna be gone

So here I am in my new apartment
In a big city, they just dropped me off
It's so much colder than I thought it would be
So I tuck myself in and turn my night light on

Wish I'd never grown up
I wish I'd never grown up

Oh, I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
Could still be little
Oh, I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
It could still be simple

Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple

Won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
And even through to you want to
Please try to never grow up

Don't you ever grow up
(Never grow up)
Just never grow up

My neighbors from HELL.

I live in a duplex, where we share a house with one other family. They have the upstairs unit, my family has the downstairs unit. We have to share a washer and drier. The laundry room is downstairs, outside my unit, but right outside my door.


I have a 5 month old daughter, who is teething. She has a hard time napping. So when she falls asleep, it needs to be SILENT, so my poor baby can rest. I know that's not my neighbor's fault so i dont expect them to be super quiet. I do, however, expect them to NOT STOMP on the floor (which is my ceiling) RUN through their house so it sounds like a heard of animals, and when they come down to do laundry, i can hear every single word, so is it necessary to bring 5 people with you, speak at the top of your lungs and start WHISTLING??


On top of all this, they act as if they don't speak English.So their 14 year old daughter communicates for them.


We just moved in last week. Our landlord said we could either sign up for our own trash service, or save money by splitting the bill with the people upstairs. Well of course, we want to save money. So we ask them if that's okay, they say yes. TWO DAYS LATER they send their daughter down here asking for bill money. I said, "i'm sorry. We didn't know you needed it so soon. My husband gets paid next week so we can give it to you then, but right now we don't have the extra money."First of all, why am i discussing bills with a teenager? Second of all, why did the bill seem so high?


Well, come to find out, they can't pay their rent, so they contacted the land lord asking if they can move out on their own accord, without getting evicted. The landlord came over that day (we needed her to spray outside for some bugs) and told me not to give them anything, because they are trying to scam me because they need money! That completely made me so angry. I found out the trash bill she was trying to get me to pay (and btw when she brought me the bill she was flipping the paper over, not letting me see it completely) was an over due one for when we weren't even living there!!


Then the landlord goes to talk to them, i can hear this little 14 year ols speaking so rudely and yelling like she thinks she's grown. I don't know what the fight was about, but they are moving Friday now. As the landlord is leaving, they open the door and i can hear this girl say "Oh they keep saying they're going to pay us the trash. They ain't payin it" Just completely lying out her teeth. The landlord says "It's their choice. Why does it matter now, you're leaving?" "Oh so they just ain't gonna pay? They threw out a bag two days ago an they just ain't gonna pay?" I was so heated!!


And i found out they borrowed two hundred dollars from this man that rents a garage on the property and never paid him back.


They have people living up there that shouldn't be (they aren't on the lease) and It constantly sounds like a circus up there.


They did their laundry NON STOP from Thursday (which btw is one of MY days) to Sunday this week. They are moving Friday, and the landlord told them to stop using the laundry room because A) they monopolize it and B) landlord pays for water, and doesn't want them running the bill up if they aren't paying their rent. Not only that but there is a sign posted saying our laundry days. MIne are monday thru thursday. SO TELL ME WHY, WHILE I HAVE CLOTHES IN THE DRIER AND STILL HAVE MORE LAUNDRY TO DO, THEY WENT IN THERE AND STARTED A LOAD??????


So I was nice enough to let them finish.


I wake up this morning, plan on doing my laundry and I walk out there and low and BEHOLD:
THEY ARE DOING MORE LAUNDRY!!!


God give me the strength to handle this nicely....

Dear Hannah: A letter from your birth mother

Dear Hannah

           

I love you. That is the first thing I want you to know. I loved you when you were just a little thing inside my tummy. I loved you every time I heard your heart beat and every time I felt your kicks. I loved you when I looked through hundreds of couples, stayed up hours every night to find parents to love you the same as I do. I loved you when I brought you into this world. I loved you when I placed you in the arms of your mother and left the hospital without you. And I love you now. If there is one thing you should know, it is that despite loving you with my whole heart, I had to let you go.

           

I wanted you, and Vince wanted you too. But, we also wanted you to have everything you deserve. You didn’t deserve to not have a home to call your own. You didn’t deserve to be brought into turmoil and chaos. You are better then that. You deserved a loving home, free of unnecessary stress and anger. A home that is full of love and respect. That is exactly what I gave you. I gave you a better life then I could have given you at the time. I gave you two wonderful parents and a big sister to take care of you. I gave you happiness and the opportunity to excel and follow your dreams.

           

Believe it or not, sweet Hannah, you were the best thing to ever happen to me. You gave me a second chance to get back on track. You made me realize there are more important things to life then I ever knew. When you came into this world, I thought there was nothing more beautiful, special, or important than you. So thank you. Even though it was completely unintentional, you changed my life.

 You know you have another sister, little Summer. Please do not ever think she is more important then you or that we wanted her more than you. You both are just as important as the other. Just because she calls me mommy and you call me Amanda, doesn’t mean I love her more. Summer came along after you gave me that second chance, and it is because of you that I get to raise her. That is the best gift you could have given me.

 I could not have chosen a better, more deserving family for you. After messaging your mom back and forth for a while, I knew this family was the one for you. I even remember asking her to be your mom this way, “Ask Leah if she would like to be a big sister.” And of course, she said yes! After you were born, and your mom held you, as I looked at you two, she was crying tears of happiness and I knew that she was your mom. At the last minute I decided to let her watch you be born, and I am so glad that I did. I am glad your mom got to be part of your birth, that’s the way it should be. I knew I picked an amazing family for my special girl. Before I placed you in the arms of your mother, I had ten minutes alone with you. I promised you I would always be there for you. I promised everything would be okay. I promised that I loved you with my whole heart, and that I wasn’t giving you away, I was giving you a wonderful life. Yes, I cried. I cried because I knew I would miss you. But I also knew that you would be okay. That is one thing I did not cry about. I did not cry because I worried.

You are one lucky girl Hannah. You have a mommy who loves you and would do anything for you and I’m sure you can talk to about anything. She listens to me and is the most kind and understanding woman I have ever met and I am so grateful for her. You have a daddy who I am sure makes you laugh and plays with you, he provides for you and loves you unconditionally. He makes me laugh and always brightens my day. And your big sister has to be the best big sister in the world. I mean who wouldn’t be, having you as her little sister. I see pictures of you two playing and smiling and it makes me more reassured every single day that I chose this family for you. And besides these wonderful three people, you have your birth family. You have me, and I will always be there to be your friend or someone to talk to. You have Vince, who loves you just as much as I do. And you have Summer, who I am sure you will be an awesome big sister to and loves playing with you and getting to see you when she can.

 I know this situation isn’t exactly normal. But I am so glad we have this beautiful thing together. Its like our two families have become one. A very unique and special one.  It is so wonderful that your parents let this be so open and honest.

People often ask me, "Do you regret it?" In truth, i was never your mother. You were never mine. I believe i had you, so Drew could be your daddy, Camille could be your mommy and Leah your sister. I believe i was supposed to have you, for her. So no, i do not regret placing you with them, because you were always theirs. 

So again, Hannah, I LOVE YOU. WE LOVE YOU. Please do not ever forget that. Placing you for adoption wasn’t easy, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but it was the best thing I ever did for you. You mean the world to me, beautiful.

With all my love,

Amanda

Blessed.

I sit here in my new living room, the empty room, the bare walls and i think, "I could not be more happy." We spent about 200 dollars yesterday on random things needed for our house (trash can, shower rod, curtain, rug etc...) and the rest was given to us. My brother gave me so many dishes (all matching), kitchen utensils, a homemade coffee table. My friend Patrick gave us a wonderful futon/couch and a mattress for us to use until we get our big one next week. Everyone knows we placed a baby for adoption girl for adoption in 2010 and we have remained close with her family, and they have a high chair and tv for us.


I am truely blessed for the few people i have in my life that are willing to go above and beyond for our family.


Our lives have done a complete 180 from where we were before. No more homeless shelter with bed bugs and mice. No more nasty expired food and families that won't bathe themselves and their children. It was so hard staying there, knowing we were there for a situation we couldn't control, but everyone else, with the exception of a handful of families i met while there, were there for their own stupidity.

I'm sorry, but i put my daughter above myself and everything else in this world for that matter, and had i been able to control the situation and the curcumstances for which we ended up homeless, I would have done everything in my power not to end up there. I guess not everybody feels the same. One mother was there because her husband (who wasn't allowed to stay there do to be a SEX OFFENDER) thought that she could live off of TANF for the rest of her life, and didn't get a job or ask her husband to get one either. Some people. 


Anyways, My home may not be fully complete, but its OURS and my daughter has a safe place to sleep, a warm bed and her own room. I have a kitchen with new dishes and pots and pans and can finally COOK AGAIN! That's the part I'm most excited about. And my husband has a comfy couch to sit on and use the computer, do schoolwork and listen to music.


Blessed.

A Bad Day.

Today just seems like a day where nothing can go right. Everybody i talk to is down, sad or angry in some way. As many of you already know, a woman i went to high school with was found murdered in a vacant house back in california, where i used to live. She and I hung out in class, was always wonderful to me and would let me use her phone (after mine got taken away) to talk to my "boyfriend" i had in Colorado. 

We weren't as close since i graduated and moved back to CO, but i still thought about her often and would always remember this kind girl. I wonder what she went through in the moments before her death. What she must have felt. Did she beg them to stop, to spare her? I don't know, but it makes me sick to my stomach.

I wish i had made more of an effort to keep in touch with her. She was a beautiful woman. 

This is by no means on a higher scale then what happened to my friend but there's the fact that my husband and i have been arguing for two days. Its so stressful being in the situation we've been in for the past four months, plus all the other stresses we've had throughout our relationship. We had a baby, placed her for adoption, then got pregnant again 6 months after. I didn't even have time to grieve.  

And then there was the random girls talking to my husband, trying to get with him. His ex harrassing me. Honestly, after going through so much together (homelessness, adoption, another baby, girl drama) and we are still together makes me feel like we are truely meant to be. This stuff is just so hard to deal with I feel like exploding. 

This was more like a journal entry, trying to get some stuff off my chest. My next post will be better.

Sacrifice.

She lay there.... and lay there.... and lay there. She couldn't stand the suspense of waiting, but feared him actually walking down those steps. She knew she was in trouble. She could tell by the way her mother looked at her and said, "oh you just wait" And now she's lying in bed, counting the seconds. 1...2...3...4.... She heard the front door close. She started to sweat and shake. She didn't MEAN to make her mom mad. She had a headache and couldn't see straight. That's why she didn't do the dishes. But that doesn't matter. They always think she's making it up.


She can hear footsteps coming down to the basement bedroom. She closes her eyes, bracing herself. "GET YOUR ASS OUT OF BED” She opens her eyes, but doesn't even have time to gather herself. He grabs her by the hair and pulls her out of bed. She starts to say something, "Dad I..." He slaps her across the face the first time, "Shut up! Do you think I want to hear the shit coming out of your mouth right now??" He grabs her face, comes down to her 13-year-old level, so close she can feel the spit flying out of his mouth, "You are grounded for 6 more months. GO stand and face the wall." She's been "grounded" so long; she lost count of how much time she has done. He pushes her, and she goes flying across the room, landing hard on the ground. She tries to stand. Not again. If she stands and faces the wall all night, she'll fall asleep in class again and get in trouble. He sees her hesitate, walks over to her, picks her up, gives her one more slap. It hurts so badly, it makes her face instantly feel like its on fire. She swallows back a cry.


She retreats to her corner. Her heart race slows down as she can hear her stepfather walk up the stairs. Why does this happen. Sometimes she thinks it would be easier to understand if he was drunk. But he's not, he doesn't drink. He just has that much rage and hate in him. She looks at the wall. She is forced to stand in a little room off of her bedroom where the clothes are washed. Last time she was in trouble, they made her sit in the bathroom upstairs facing the wall. Humiliating her by making her leave the door open as she used the toilet. Her stepfather was sick, twisted. He got off on making her feel humiliated. He did everything in his power to make sure her punishments were psychologically damaging as well as physical.


When she was in sixth grade, he grounded her from clothes. He forced her to walk around the house, clothes less. Made her walk outside to throw the garbage away naked. She had to sit at the dinner table with her family, eating a peanut butter sandwich, naked, while the rest of the family ate a hot meal. She was forced to wear the same outfit to school everyday for two weeks. She knew kids were teasing her and making fun of her behind her back. But did that matter to her dad? Of course not. Did her mother do anything to stop it? No. She was emotionally damaged by her first marriage, and craved the love and affection of a man. That was more important to her than making sure her daughter was safe.


During the time she was grounded from clothing, he came into her room. She had done nothing wrong, but her mother had been complaining about her. Being lifted out of bed waked her up, wearing only underwear. He smacked her, dragged her to the front door and threw her outside. It was snowing. She stood there shivering, trying to cover herself up in case a neighbor saw. He towered over her screaming, and her mother rushes outside. Finally, was she going to put a stop to this? But no, she grabs onto her husband trying to make him calm down, while her 11 year old, naked girl, stood there crying in the snow.


As she is standing there facing the wall, she starts to think about what she can do to be better. She should have just done the dishes is all she can think about. Its now almost one o'clock in the morning and she has school at seven thirty. Maybe he will come let me go to bed, she thinks. But she knows in the back of her mind he won't.  Her legs start to ache. She'll sit down just for a second, praying he doesn't walk down stairs to check on her. She's so exhausted. When she had come home from school that day, she started her chores. Her chores always came before homework. First she gathers all the dishes. The dishes of 7 people. She empties the dishwasher. She washes the dishes in the sink and all over the counters and table. It usually takes her about an hour. Then she cleans the kitchen, wiping down the counters, sweeping and mopping. Then she moves to the living room, picks up the baby's toys and all of her mother's things that she left around. She vacuums the living room and then moves to the family room, repeating the process. Then on to the bedrooms, the bathrooms. All while her mother lounges around, watching. Eventually her mom will get up, throw together some dinner. Then they eat. This is where the girl messes up. After dinner, she is supposed to do the dishes again and clean up the kitchen and put away the food. Then she gets to start on her homework. She starts getting a headache. She tells her mother. Her mother doesn't care. She starts to clean up, but then she starts getting dizzy and has to sit down. She gets these headaches a lot. But her parents think she just wants attention.


She once went an entire year wearing the wrong glasses prescription. She told her mom when she put the new glasses on that they didn’t help her any more then the old ones did. They said she was making it up. So when she went to school, she still had to sit in front of the board so she could see. When she went back the next year for her annual glasses, the doctor said, "Oh, these are the wrong prescription. They filled these glasses with the old prescription" Her mother actually apologized that day, acted like she was so sorry for not listening. One would think she had learned that this little girl wasn't just trying to get attention all the time. But of course not. Her stepfather had brain washed her mother to the point where all she did was listen to him and let him talk about how awful her kid was.


This headache. Another night her homework wouldn't be done. She always didn't start her homework till after nine o'clock, when everything else was done. And if she fell asleep while doing it, she'd get smacked on the head and reprimanded for not starting it earlier. She always wondered how she was supposed to start it earlier if she had these chores she had to do, and if they were not done, she'd get punished again. They wondered why her schoolwork was suffering. But it was always her fault, not theirs. And of course, if she got anything less than a B she was punished.


Always punishment. Never love. Not since she was 10. Oh sure, when her step dad was trying to win over her and her sisters he was nice. Gave them gifts, took them out. But as soon as her mother had that ring on her finger, he turned into a monster. She remembers the first time she called him "mean" He said, "Oh I’ll show you how mean I can be" and for 4 months, this ten year old girl was confined to her room, never allowed to eat dinner with the family. She ate by herself, in solitude. No books, no toys. She liked to read, so was grounded from that as well. All for calling him mean.


So as she sat there in the laundry room, she was listening for his footsteps. She then started to doze off. It had to be past three a.m. at this point. The next thing she knows she's being yanked up by her hair, her face gets slammed in the wall. She tastes blood. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" he hisses at her. She looks around him, to her sister's bed, trying to see if her sister was awake. If she was, she was pretending to be asleep. She looks at her step dad, "can I please go to sleep?" She knows it’s a fruitless attempt. He then informs her that she will be standing and facing the wall for a week straight. She vaguely wonders if she will be allowed to go to school. Once when she was 12, he kept her locked in the closet for three days, only allowing her out to go to the bathroom. She ate her meals in that closet, alone.  She wonders what they told the school about her three-day absence.


She tried to tell a counselor that her father was doing this. But he fooled them. When child protective services came to the house, he put on this big show about how she was disturbed, a pathological liar and craved attention from everyone. They believed him. She gave up trying to get help after that. The system failed her.


Before he walked back up the stairs, he looks at her. She pleads with him one more time, "please just let me sleep for two hours before school." "Ha! You think you're going to school?" All hope drained out of her. At least at school she could sit, be treated like a human being who mattered. She starts to panic. "You can't do this" and he turns back around, slams her up against the wall, smacking her head. As he is pinning her there, her head feels like it’ll split in half. “I can do whatever I please you little bitch.” And then he drops her. She curls up into the fetal position, trying to think about anything then what is happening at that very moment. She is distantly aware that he is screaming at her, his face probably red with fury. In the background she can hear one of the babies crying upstairs. She’ll be blamed for that too.


Her parents always make her take the kids downstairs to the playroom, to leave them alone. She always had to take care of them. If one started crying, even if she hadn't done anything, she tried to quiet them as soon as she could, cause if she didn't you could count on hearing "what did you do to her?!" from her step dad. Then she'd get hit. Early in the mornings, her parents wanted to sleep. So if the baby woke up, and she didn't hear them first, her step dad would always bring them downstairs, put them in bed with her or her sister and make them get up. Didn't matter if it was 5 a.m. and they had school that day. She was expected to change the baby diapers, get them dressed and feed them, all before she went to school. She did all this while her parents slept. One Saturday, she forgot to change one of the baby's diapers. He made sure she would never forget again. After being yelled at and sent to sit on her bed, facing the wall, he left. He came back about thirty minutes later. He had an adult diaper in his hand. He forced her to put it on, and she was not permitted to use the toilet all day. He then made her stand and face the wall, naked, with nothing but this diaper on. She was twelve. She willed herself not to go urinate all day. He came and checked on her and saw that she hadn’t used the diaper. So she was forced to stand until she did. She knew she would lose all dignity if she gave into this punishment. He enjoyed watching her squirm; it was almost like torturing her. She finally couldn’t stand it anymore, and she went. She started crying, feeling humiliation beyond comprehension as she did this, but she had no other choice.
 
Sure enough her stepfather says, “Look what you did” And picks her back up, throwing her towards the door to the staircases. “You get to deal with it now.” She walks up the stairs, into her sister’s room. She picks up the child, looks at her and the baby stops crying and smiles. At this moment, she feels okay. As long as it keeps his hands off her sisters, she will take the beatings. She does what her mother failed to do. Sacrifices herself, to keep the little ones safe.