Dear Hannah: A letter from your birth mother

Dear Hannah

           

I love you. That is the first thing I want you to know. I loved you when you were just a little thing inside my tummy. I loved you every time I heard your heart beat and every time I felt your kicks. I loved you when I looked through hundreds of couples, stayed up hours every night to find parents to love you the same as I do. I loved you when I brought you into this world. I loved you when I placed you in the arms of your mother and left the hospital without you. And I love you now. If there is one thing you should know, it is that despite loving you with my whole heart, I had to let you go.

           

I wanted you, and Vince wanted you too. But, we also wanted you to have everything you deserve. You didn’t deserve to not have a home to call your own. You didn’t deserve to be brought into turmoil and chaos. You are better then that. You deserved a loving home, free of unnecessary stress and anger. A home that is full of love and respect. That is exactly what I gave you. I gave you a better life then I could have given you at the time. I gave you two wonderful parents and a big sister to take care of you. I gave you happiness and the opportunity to excel and follow your dreams.

           

Believe it or not, sweet Hannah, you were the best thing to ever happen to me. You gave me a second chance to get back on track. You made me realize there are more important things to life then I ever knew. When you came into this world, I thought there was nothing more beautiful, special, or important than you. So thank you. Even though it was completely unintentional, you changed my life.

 You know you have another sister, little Summer. Please do not ever think she is more important then you or that we wanted her more than you. You both are just as important as the other. Just because she calls me mommy and you call me Amanda, doesn’t mean I love her more. Summer came along after you gave me that second chance, and it is because of you that I get to raise her. That is the best gift you could have given me.

 I could not have chosen a better, more deserving family for you. After messaging your mom back and forth for a while, I knew this family was the one for you. I even remember asking her to be your mom this way, “Ask Leah if she would like to be a big sister.” And of course, she said yes! After you were born, and your mom held you, as I looked at you two, she was crying tears of happiness and I knew that she was your mom. At the last minute I decided to let her watch you be born, and I am so glad that I did. I am glad your mom got to be part of your birth, that’s the way it should be. I knew I picked an amazing family for my special girl. Before I placed you in the arms of your mother, I had ten minutes alone with you. I promised you I would always be there for you. I promised everything would be okay. I promised that I loved you with my whole heart, and that I wasn’t giving you away, I was giving you a wonderful life. Yes, I cried. I cried because I knew I would miss you. But I also knew that you would be okay. That is one thing I did not cry about. I did not cry because I worried.

You are one lucky girl Hannah. You have a mommy who loves you and would do anything for you and I’m sure you can talk to about anything. She listens to me and is the most kind and understanding woman I have ever met and I am so grateful for her. You have a daddy who I am sure makes you laugh and plays with you, he provides for you and loves you unconditionally. He makes me laugh and always brightens my day. And your big sister has to be the best big sister in the world. I mean who wouldn’t be, having you as her little sister. I see pictures of you two playing and smiling and it makes me more reassured every single day that I chose this family for you. And besides these wonderful three people, you have your birth family. You have me, and I will always be there to be your friend or someone to talk to. You have Vince, who loves you just as much as I do. And you have Summer, who I am sure you will be an awesome big sister to and loves playing with you and getting to see you when she can.

 I know this situation isn’t exactly normal. But I am so glad we have this beautiful thing together. Its like our two families have become one. A very unique and special one.  It is so wonderful that your parents let this be so open and honest.

People often ask me, "Do you regret it?" In truth, i was never your mother. You were never mine. I believe i had you, so Drew could be your daddy, Camille could be your mommy and Leah your sister. I believe i was supposed to have you, for her. So no, i do not regret placing you with them, because you were always theirs. 

So again, Hannah, I LOVE YOU. WE LOVE YOU. Please do not ever forget that. Placing you for adoption wasn’t easy, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but it was the best thing I ever did for you. You mean the world to me, beautiful.

With all my love,

Amanda