Pretty day

I am sitting outiside, under a tree on this beautiful fall day.
My baby girl is playing with her toys, smiling and kicking me :)
She is about to start crawling and I am so excited for that.


I am contemplating tons of things in my life right now. My marriage is falling apart... but do i honestly care? Yes, i would be lying if i said I didn't care. I love this man. But love isn't enough so although walking away won't be the easiest thing, it is the best thing. Maybe he will realize what a huge mistake he made, and that i deserve 100% better. But even if he didn't, its okay. Because i have my baby girl and she is the love of my life. For three years I have put up with everything imaginable. We are better then we are bad.... BUT the bad is always so horrible that it outweighs the good by a million times.


Summer and I will be fine.


I wish my camera hadn't been stolen so i could show you how cute my daughter is being. Imagine her laying next to me, kicking her feet up and giving me the HUGEST smile and laughing like this is the best thing ever!


I love her. 

To Summer:

Taylor Swift-Never Grow Up

 Your little hands wrapped around my finger
And it's so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter 'cause you're dreaming
So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light

To you, everything's funny
You got nothing to regret
I'd give all I have, honey
If you could stay like that

Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple

I won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
No, no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, never grow up

You're in the car on the way to the movies
And you're mortified your mom's dropping you off
At 14, there's just so much you can't do
And you can't wait to move out someday and call your own shots

But don't make her drop you off around the block
Remember that she's getting older, too
And don't lose the way that you dance around
In your PJs getting ready for school

Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple

No one's ever burned you
Nothing's ever left you scarred
And even though you want to
Just try to never grow up

Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home
Remember the footsteps, remember the words said
And all your little brother's favorite songs

I just realized everything I have
Is someday gonna be gone

So here I am in my new apartment
In a big city, they just dropped me off
It's so much colder than I thought it would be
So I tuck myself in and turn my night light on

Wish I'd never grown up
I wish I'd never grown up

Oh, I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
Could still be little
Oh, I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
It could still be simple

Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple

Won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
And even through to you want to
Please try to never grow up

Don't you ever grow up
(Never grow up)
Just never grow up

My neighbors from HELL.

I live in a duplex, where we share a house with one other family. They have the upstairs unit, my family has the downstairs unit. We have to share a washer and drier. The laundry room is downstairs, outside my unit, but right outside my door.


I have a 5 month old daughter, who is teething. She has a hard time napping. So when she falls asleep, it needs to be SILENT, so my poor baby can rest. I know that's not my neighbor's fault so i dont expect them to be super quiet. I do, however, expect them to NOT STOMP on the floor (which is my ceiling) RUN through their house so it sounds like a heard of animals, and when they come down to do laundry, i can hear every single word, so is it necessary to bring 5 people with you, speak at the top of your lungs and start WHISTLING??


On top of all this, they act as if they don't speak English.So their 14 year old daughter communicates for them.


We just moved in last week. Our landlord said we could either sign up for our own trash service, or save money by splitting the bill with the people upstairs. Well of course, we want to save money. So we ask them if that's okay, they say yes. TWO DAYS LATER they send their daughter down here asking for bill money. I said, "i'm sorry. We didn't know you needed it so soon. My husband gets paid next week so we can give it to you then, but right now we don't have the extra money."First of all, why am i discussing bills with a teenager? Second of all, why did the bill seem so high?


Well, come to find out, they can't pay their rent, so they contacted the land lord asking if they can move out on their own accord, without getting evicted. The landlord came over that day (we needed her to spray outside for some bugs) and told me not to give them anything, because they are trying to scam me because they need money! That completely made me so angry. I found out the trash bill she was trying to get me to pay (and btw when she brought me the bill she was flipping the paper over, not letting me see it completely) was an over due one for when we weren't even living there!!


Then the landlord goes to talk to them, i can hear this little 14 year ols speaking so rudely and yelling like she thinks she's grown. I don't know what the fight was about, but they are moving Friday now. As the landlord is leaving, they open the door and i can hear this girl say "Oh they keep saying they're going to pay us the trash. They ain't payin it" Just completely lying out her teeth. The landlord says "It's their choice. Why does it matter now, you're leaving?" "Oh so they just ain't gonna pay? They threw out a bag two days ago an they just ain't gonna pay?" I was so heated!!


And i found out they borrowed two hundred dollars from this man that rents a garage on the property and never paid him back.


They have people living up there that shouldn't be (they aren't on the lease) and It constantly sounds like a circus up there.


They did their laundry NON STOP from Thursday (which btw is one of MY days) to Sunday this week. They are moving Friday, and the landlord told them to stop using the laundry room because A) they monopolize it and B) landlord pays for water, and doesn't want them running the bill up if they aren't paying their rent. Not only that but there is a sign posted saying our laundry days. MIne are monday thru thursday. SO TELL ME WHY, WHILE I HAVE CLOTHES IN THE DRIER AND STILL HAVE MORE LAUNDRY TO DO, THEY WENT IN THERE AND STARTED A LOAD??????


So I was nice enough to let them finish.


I wake up this morning, plan on doing my laundry and I walk out there and low and BEHOLD:
THEY ARE DOING MORE LAUNDRY!!!


God give me the strength to handle this nicely....

Dear Hannah: A letter from your birth mother

Dear Hannah

           

I love you. That is the first thing I want you to know. I loved you when you were just a little thing inside my tummy. I loved you every time I heard your heart beat and every time I felt your kicks. I loved you when I looked through hundreds of couples, stayed up hours every night to find parents to love you the same as I do. I loved you when I brought you into this world. I loved you when I placed you in the arms of your mother and left the hospital without you. And I love you now. If there is one thing you should know, it is that despite loving you with my whole heart, I had to let you go.

           

I wanted you, and Vince wanted you too. But, we also wanted you to have everything you deserve. You didn’t deserve to not have a home to call your own. You didn’t deserve to be brought into turmoil and chaos. You are better then that. You deserved a loving home, free of unnecessary stress and anger. A home that is full of love and respect. That is exactly what I gave you. I gave you a better life then I could have given you at the time. I gave you two wonderful parents and a big sister to take care of you. I gave you happiness and the opportunity to excel and follow your dreams.

           

Believe it or not, sweet Hannah, you were the best thing to ever happen to me. You gave me a second chance to get back on track. You made me realize there are more important things to life then I ever knew. When you came into this world, I thought there was nothing more beautiful, special, or important than you. So thank you. Even though it was completely unintentional, you changed my life.

 You know you have another sister, little Summer. Please do not ever think she is more important then you or that we wanted her more than you. You both are just as important as the other. Just because she calls me mommy and you call me Amanda, doesn’t mean I love her more. Summer came along after you gave me that second chance, and it is because of you that I get to raise her. That is the best gift you could have given me.

 I could not have chosen a better, more deserving family for you. After messaging your mom back and forth for a while, I knew this family was the one for you. I even remember asking her to be your mom this way, “Ask Leah if she would like to be a big sister.” And of course, she said yes! After you were born, and your mom held you, as I looked at you two, she was crying tears of happiness and I knew that she was your mom. At the last minute I decided to let her watch you be born, and I am so glad that I did. I am glad your mom got to be part of your birth, that’s the way it should be. I knew I picked an amazing family for my special girl. Before I placed you in the arms of your mother, I had ten minutes alone with you. I promised you I would always be there for you. I promised everything would be okay. I promised that I loved you with my whole heart, and that I wasn’t giving you away, I was giving you a wonderful life. Yes, I cried. I cried because I knew I would miss you. But I also knew that you would be okay. That is one thing I did not cry about. I did not cry because I worried.

You are one lucky girl Hannah. You have a mommy who loves you and would do anything for you and I’m sure you can talk to about anything. She listens to me and is the most kind and understanding woman I have ever met and I am so grateful for her. You have a daddy who I am sure makes you laugh and plays with you, he provides for you and loves you unconditionally. He makes me laugh and always brightens my day. And your big sister has to be the best big sister in the world. I mean who wouldn’t be, having you as her little sister. I see pictures of you two playing and smiling and it makes me more reassured every single day that I chose this family for you. And besides these wonderful three people, you have your birth family. You have me, and I will always be there to be your friend or someone to talk to. You have Vince, who loves you just as much as I do. And you have Summer, who I am sure you will be an awesome big sister to and loves playing with you and getting to see you when she can.

 I know this situation isn’t exactly normal. But I am so glad we have this beautiful thing together. Its like our two families have become one. A very unique and special one.  It is so wonderful that your parents let this be so open and honest.

People often ask me, "Do you regret it?" In truth, i was never your mother. You were never mine. I believe i had you, so Drew could be your daddy, Camille could be your mommy and Leah your sister. I believe i was supposed to have you, for her. So no, i do not regret placing you with them, because you were always theirs. 

So again, Hannah, I LOVE YOU. WE LOVE YOU. Please do not ever forget that. Placing you for adoption wasn’t easy, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but it was the best thing I ever did for you. You mean the world to me, beautiful.

With all my love,

Amanda

Blessed.

I sit here in my new living room, the empty room, the bare walls and i think, "I could not be more happy." We spent about 200 dollars yesterday on random things needed for our house (trash can, shower rod, curtain, rug etc...) and the rest was given to us. My brother gave me so many dishes (all matching), kitchen utensils, a homemade coffee table. My friend Patrick gave us a wonderful futon/couch and a mattress for us to use until we get our big one next week. Everyone knows we placed a baby for adoption girl for adoption in 2010 and we have remained close with her family, and they have a high chair and tv for us.


I am truely blessed for the few people i have in my life that are willing to go above and beyond for our family.


Our lives have done a complete 180 from where we were before. No more homeless shelter with bed bugs and mice. No more nasty expired food and families that won't bathe themselves and their children. It was so hard staying there, knowing we were there for a situation we couldn't control, but everyone else, with the exception of a handful of families i met while there, were there for their own stupidity.

I'm sorry, but i put my daughter above myself and everything else in this world for that matter, and had i been able to control the situation and the curcumstances for which we ended up homeless, I would have done everything in my power not to end up there. I guess not everybody feels the same. One mother was there because her husband (who wasn't allowed to stay there do to be a SEX OFFENDER) thought that she could live off of TANF for the rest of her life, and didn't get a job or ask her husband to get one either. Some people. 


Anyways, My home may not be fully complete, but its OURS and my daughter has a safe place to sleep, a warm bed and her own room. I have a kitchen with new dishes and pots and pans and can finally COOK AGAIN! That's the part I'm most excited about. And my husband has a comfy couch to sit on and use the computer, do schoolwork and listen to music.


Blessed.